Invited to a Japanese wedding or funeral and worried about getting it wrong? The customs are very learnable. Here's how the money gift, the envelope, the dress, and the ceremony work — and how much flexibility you actually have as a newcomer.
Being invited to a Japanese wedding or funeral is a real sign of trust — and also one of the moments newcomers worry about most. The good news: these customs are consistent and learnable, and most Japanese hosts understand that a foreign guest may not know every detail. Get the few big things roughly right and you will be a welcome, thoughtful guest. Here is how the two occasions work.
Guests bring a congratulatory money gift called goshugi (ご祝儀), placed inside a special decorative envelope called a shugi-bukuro (祝儀袋), which you can buy at stationery shops, department stores, or konbini. The convention is to use crisp, brand-new bills — symbolising a fresh, clean start. Amounts vary by your relationship to the couple and tend to follow an odd-number convention (figures starting with 3, 5, or 7), the idea being that an amount that can't be split evenly won't 'split' the couple; pairs and the numbers 4 and 9 are usually avoided because of unlucky-sounding readings. For dress, wear formal clothing but avoid pure white, which is the bride's colour, and steer clear of all-black (it reads as funeral attire); the aim is to look polished without outshining the couple. A wedding reception (披露宴, hirōen) usually runs two to three hours with speeches, food, and a cake-cutting. Your main gift, the hikidemono (引き出物), is usually waiting for you at your seat during the reception (occasionally it's mailed to you afterwards instead) — it isn't handed out as you leave. What the couple do hand you in person on your way out is a small "petit gift" (プチギフト), often a little box of sweets, as a personal thank-you.
At a funeral or wake you bring condolence money called koden (香典), in a plain black-and-white envelope (不祝儀袋) — never the celebratory red-and-white one. Here the convention is reversed: use older, already-circulated bills, because pristine new notes would imply you had the death prepared in advance (if you only have new bills, a gentle fold is fine). You hand the envelope in quietly at the reception desk rather than to the family directly. Dress in formal black mourning clothes and keep accessories plain. The central rite is the incense offering (焼香, shōkō): when it is your turn, approach the altar, take a pinch of incense powder with the thumb and first two fingers of your right hand, raise it gently toward your forehead, and let it fall onto the burner; then press your palms together (gassho) and bow toward the altar to pray for the deceased — the prayer is directed to the altar, not to the family. Finally, turn to the bereaved family and bow to them. Conduct throughout is quiet, brief, and respectful.
