How much money should I actually give?

It genuinely varies by your relationship and the region, so there is no single 'correct' number — friends and colleagues commonly give more at a wedding than at a funeral. If you can, quietly ask a mutual friend or colleague who is also attending what is usual for that circle; it's a normal question and the kindest way to get it right.

I'm not religious — is the incense offering a problem?

No. The ceremony is about paying your respects, and hosts understand that guests come from many backgrounds. You can let the reception staff know in advance, and you'll typically be invited to pay respects in whatever way feels right to you.

What if I make a small mistake?

Don't worry too much. Showing up, dressed appropriately, with a sincere and quiet manner, is what matters most. Japanese hosts are generally understanding with foreign guests who are clearly trying to be respectful.

Going to a Japanese wedding or funeral: a guest's etiquette guide

Invited to a Japanese wedding or funeral and worried about getting it wrong? The customs are very learnable. Here's how the money gift, the envelope, the dress, and the ceremony work — and how much flexibility you actually have as a newcomer.

6 min readChecked against official sources 2026-06-20

Being invited to a Japanese wedding or funeral is a real sign of trust — and also one of the moments newcomers worry about most. The good news: these customs are consistent and learnable, and most Japanese hosts understand that a foreign guest may not know every detail. Get the few big things roughly right and you will be a welcome, thoughtful guest. Here is how the two occasions work.

Weddings: the celebration

Guests bring a congratulatory money gift called goshugi (ご祝儀), placed inside a special decorative envelope called a shugi-bukuro (祝儀袋), which you can buy at stationery shops, department stores, or konbini. The convention is to use crisp, brand-new bills — symbolising a fresh, clean start. Amounts vary by your relationship to the couple and tend to follow an odd-number convention (figures starting with 3, 5, or 7), the idea being that an amount that can't be split evenly won't 'split' the couple; pairs and the numbers 4 and 9 are usually avoided because of unlucky-sounding readings. For dress, wear formal clothing but avoid pure white, which is the bride's colour, and steer clear of all-black (it reads as funeral attire); the aim is to look polished without outshining the couple. A wedding reception (披露宴, hirōen) usually runs two to three hours with speeches, food, and a cake-cutting. Your main gift, the hikidemono (引き出物), is usually waiting for you at your seat during the reception (occasionally it's mailed to you afterwards instead) — it isn't handed out as you leave. What the couple do hand you in person on your way out is a small "petit gift" (プチギフト), often a little box of sweets, as a personal thank-you.

Funerals: paying respects

At a funeral or wake you bring condolence money called koden (香典), in a plain black-and-white envelope (不祝儀袋) — never the celebratory red-and-white one. Here the convention is reversed: use older, already-circulated bills, because pristine new notes would imply you had the death prepared in advance (if you only have new bills, a gentle fold is fine). You hand the envelope in quietly at the reception desk rather than to the family directly. Dress in formal black mourning clothes and keep accessories plain. The central rite is the incense offering (焼香, shōkō): when it is your turn, approach the altar, take a pinch of incense powder with the thumb and first two fingers of your right hand, raise it gently toward your forehead, and let it fall onto the burner; then press your palms together (gassho) and bow toward the altar to pray for the deceased — the prayer is directed to the altar, not to the family. Finally, turn to the bereaved family and bow to them. Conduct throughout is quiet, brief, and respectful.

The single rule people remember most: new bills for a wedding, used bills for a funeral — and never mix up the envelopes (red-and-white is for celebrations only). If you're unsure of any step at the ceremony itself, simply watch the guest ahead of you and follow their lead; that is genuinely expected and never seen as rude.

A wedding envelope must use a "musubi-kiri" (結び切り) knot — a tight, once-and-for-all knot that can't be pulled undone, symbolising a happy event you only want to happen once. Never use a butterfly/bow knot (蝶結び, cho-musubi) for a wedding: because it unties and reties so easily, it carries the unwanted meaning of "again and again" — a genuine faux pas. Funeral envelopes also use musubi-kiri, in black-and-white or silver.

Mind the back flaps too. When closing the envelope, for a WEDDING fold the bottom flap up and over the top one — the upward fold means joy, "looking up." For a FUNERAL, fold the top flap down and over the bottom one — downward, for grief. Getting these the wrong way round is a small but noticeable slip.

Prepare the right envelope in advance — shugi-bukuro for weddings, the black-and-white koden envelope for funerals — from a konbini, stationery shop, or department store.
Weddings: crisp new bills, an odd-number amount that varies by relationship; dress formally but avoid pure white and all-black.
Funerals: used (or lightly folded) bills; formal black clothes; hand the envelope in quietly at the reception desk.
Bring the envelope in a small cloth wrapper (fukusa) if you can — a soft, muted colour for funerals — and write on a koden envelope in the lighter grey ink often provided.
The incense ritual varies slightly between Buddhist sects, so when in doubt, copy the person before you.
If your beliefs mean you'd rather not take part in a religious rite, a quiet word to the reception staff beforehand is completely understood.

How much money should I actually give?: It genuinely varies by your relationship and the region, so there is no single 'correct' number — friends and colleagues commonly give more at a wedding than at a funeral. If you can, quietly ask a mutual friend or colleague who is also attending what is usual for that circle; it's a normal question and the kindest way to get it right.
I'm not religious — is the incense offering a problem?: No. The ceremony is about paying your respects, and hosts understand that guests come from many backgrounds. You can let the reception staff know in advance, and you'll typically be invited to pay respects in whatever way feels right to you.
What if I make a small mistake?: Don't worry too much. Showing up, dressed appropriately, with a sincere and quiet manner, is what matters most. Japanese hosts are generally understanding with foreign guests who are clearly trying to be respectful.

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